Had to take another day off today. Akshra had to be taken to her Doctor for a follow-up visit and Puja's new job started today so I had to drop her off to work. The visit to the doctor was mostly uneventful, apart from the fact that Akshra was pretty upset and cried quite a bit. The Doctor applied some numbing medicine on her lips so that the pain could go away. However, there was no cure for the blisters as she thought it is the result of some viral infection. The same infection probably got her in the throat and led to her gagging and vomiting as well.

Came back from the doctor's and went to Duane Reade to get her medicine. Sure as hell they didn't have it. They don't seem to have much these days. So I had to go to Target where we didn't have an account and it seemed to take forever. Moreover, they've changed how our insurance cards work. Earlier, one card worked for visits as well as prescription. Now you have to lug two cards -- one for visits and one for prescriptions. Everything just gets more complex every day. Of course I didn't know this and did not have the prescription card so I had to pay the price in full.
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She is sleeping now as she had taken some food in. It is sad as we deal with her first real sickness. Puja is devastated with guilt and helplessness. She starts her new job today at Goldman and cannot really take days off. Oh, well, we will live and learn. We are all guilty and we all try very hard to do the right thing -- we just struggle to confirm what the right thing is.

Akshra's health issues worsened over the weekend. She is vomiting on taking solids and her lips swollen and have blisters. We really struggled with her this weekend. We took her to the Union City hospital yesterday and the Doctor, who was extremely stretched and we had to wait for over two hours, seemed to suggest that Akshra had severe congestion. They gave her some saline steam but not sure it helped much. We tried to give her congestion medication and as expected she vomited immediately. Most of the day was a violent struggle trying to keep her calm and trying to feed her something. She was throwing up solids so we were trying milk which she often refused because the nipple seemed to hurt the blisters on her lips. She has also completely refused breast-feeding for what we feel is the same reason.

Akshra vomits these days. Seems like another trick she has learned. However this seems more involuntary and the poor thing is in visible pain and shock after she does it. It is generally triggered by when we try to feed something a bit against her wish -- maybe medicine or just that little extra fruit or milk and there you go. Her last meal is out before you know what happened.

Desperate to find some time to shop for stuff for our new home, we called the babysitter for most of the day today. When we were leaving Akshra with her and heading out the door around 11.00, Akshra sensed something and started to cry loudly. This is the first time that she has expressed clearly that she resents us leaving her behind. I know this is just the beginning and from now until maybe into her early teens she is going to regret every time we leave her alone or with a babysitter. While this breaks Puja's heart it also makes her very happy deep inside for she now knows confirmed that her baby cannot live (or would rather not live) without her. This conceit is the formative, if not the central, axis of parenthood.

Akshra's sleeplessness has taken an all new vicious form. Until last week she would give us at least 2-3 hours before she would wake up. Now, she just gives us about 45 minutes or so. She wakes up every hour all through the night starting around 11.30 pm and all the way until 6am. We get about 2-3 hours of sleep all together. I just don't know how to handle it. Along with everything else going on with work and trying to get into the new apartment, we are just lost. We are like zombies. Saying we are tired is not even appropriate. We are not tired per se, it is this perpetual sense of fatigue -- as if someone took half your strength away from you and left you out there in the world to fight with everyone.

I know there is something good to come from this. I know there is as a reason for this and I know this the price you pay but it is hard no matter what. It is very hard.

Had to take yesterday off as the baby-sitter took the day off. It was a good day as we got to spend some time with the baby but it was also stressful as we both had work to do as well. We went out to lunch at Bertucci's and spent most of the afternoon working and taking care of the baby alternately.

Akshra continues her tirade against our sleep. She sleeps a few hours in the night and generally wakes up around 2am and then sleeps only once in a while after that. Crying and getting irritated, she is a bit insecure and wants to be held in our laps instead of sleeping in her crib. The new crib has not worked out well for her so far. I think she feels lonely in the giant bed leading to insecurity.
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We've been broken down. My head hurt as if someone\thing is hammering parenthood a chisel a day into it. It is hard and it is painful and it is long. It does not change and it does not go away.

Puja is broken as well but handles it better. She has never been a good sleeper so I guess that is helping her now strangely enough.